Flash Fiction

My writers’ group had a Flash Fiction workshop on Thursday run by the wonderfully talented Anne Howkins. And she made us write stuff, there and then! It was great fun and made me chuckle quietly while I wrote (although if you’re here expecting some Flash Gordon, sorry, that’s just an image pun). This is what I came up with in twenty or so minutes each on the back of some rather unlikely prompts.

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Gardening For Armadillos

“Earthworms. It’s all about earthworms. Specifically, not eating them. They are Useful for the Soil. You can eat most other things but leave the earthworms alone.

Now we’ve established the Prime Rule, let’s turn to those handy digging tools at the end of your front legs. They may well be great for excavating ant and termite nests but they also have to be able to dig out weeds whilst leaving your perennials intact.

Be careful what you dig out and be gentle when planting. Your claws may decapitate your summer fancies. Try not to trample over your herbacious borders – perhaps leave a little path to overcome the issue of stumpy little legs.”

Derek the Armadillo put down the book. This was all very well and good but the thing he was most concerned about was the lawnmower. He eyed it with suspicion before carefully climbing aboard. He didn’t know what possessed him to buy a huge sit-on machine, but at least up here he was well out of the way of the blades.

He started it up and, vibrating like a dried pea on a bass speaker, lowered the whirling blades, put it into drive and set off down the lawn.

When his wife came home later that day she was perplexed by the lawnmower nestled inside the conservatory and the strange red pattern on the lawn.

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Orders and Returns

• Order to Acme Industries:
  • 1 x bungee cord
  • 1 x crash helmet
  • 1 x pair roller skates
  • 1 x giant rocket
  • 1 x wholesale bag bird seed

• Received from Acme Industries:
  • 1 x bag of elastic bands
  • 1 x crash helmet
  • 1 x pair of ice skates
  • 1 x giant rocket
  • 1 x wholesale bag bird seed

• Returns to Acme Industries:
  • 1 x bag of elastic bands
    • Reason: insufficient length to place across road
  • 1 x pair of ice skates
    • Reason: not appropriate for use on desert road

• New Delivery from Acme Industries:
  • 1 x rope
  • 1 x pair of sandals

• Returns to Acme Industries:
  • 1 x rope
    • Reason: not stretchy
  • 1 x pair of sandals
    •  Reason: lack of wheels

• New Delivery from Acme Industries:
  • 1 x Bungee
  • 1 x pair roller skates

• Returns to Acme Industries:
  • 1 x bag of bird seed
    •  Reason: injuries caused by other items in testing resulted in aborted project; bird seed now surplus to requirements.